DBZ's Flying Circus
by Goku the baka saru
Summary: (fixed few messups)Monty Python's skits done by DBZ characters. rating is up cause certain words or phrazes.
1. Default Chapter

Yes another putting DBZ characters in skits. So here we go!!!  
  
Krillin:It's....  
  
(If you haven't seen the show too bad I'm not explaining everything.)*Title pops up*Monty Python's Flying Circus.  
  
(Bulma, a lady of society, sits in a stylish drawing room knitting quietly. Loud knocking is heard at the door.)  
  
Bulma : Come in.  
  
(In comes Yamcha, dressed in working clothes and clutching a cap.)  
  
Yamcha : Trouble at th' mill.  
  
Bulma : Oh no!  
  
Yamcha : One o -  
  
Bulma : What sort of trouble?  
  
Yamcha : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.  
  
Bulma : Pardon?  
  
Yamcha : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.  
  
Bulma : I don't understand what you're saying.  
  
Yamcha : (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle.  
  
Bulma : Well, what on earth does that mean?  
  
Yamcha : I don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!  
  
(JARRING CHORD. The door flies open. In come three evil types in red robes.)  
  
Vegeta : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!  
  
(Vegeta of Spain Bulmards them with a nasty grin. He is flanked by Cardinal Goku [in aviator's helmet] and Cardinal Gohan.)  
  
...Surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our four...no...  
  
(Yamcha and Bulma look boredly at these loonies. They have obviously blown any chance at a dramatic entrance.)  
  
Amongst our weapons.... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surpr.... I'll come in again.  
  
(They turn back and escape out into the hall, waiting again for their cue.)  
  
Bulma : I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.  
  
(JARRING CHORD - They burst in again)  
  
Vegeta : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! ...Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!  
  
(Longish pause. He turns to Goku.)  
  
I - I can't say it - you'll have to say it.  
  
Goku : What?  
  
Vegeta : You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'  
  
Goku : (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...  
  
(Vegeta bundles the cardinals outside again) Yamcha : I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.  
  
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter. Goku is now in front, looking lost.) Goku : Er.... Nobody...um....  
  
Vegeta : (under breath) Expects...  
  
Goku : Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...  
  
Vegeta : Inquisition.  
  
Goku : I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -  
  
Vegeta : Our chief weapons are... Goku : Our chief weapons are...um...er...  
  
Vegeta : Surprise...  
  
Goku : Surprise and --  
  
Vegeta : Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop.  
  
(He has jumped back out into front by now.)  
  
Phew! Ah! ...Our chief weapon is surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.  
  
(Gohan steps forth and produces an ancient-looking scroll. He has a strange squeaky voice.)  
  
Gohan : Yew arr hereby charged that yew did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. (dances) o/` 'My old man said follow the--' o/`  
  
Vegeta : That's enough! (To Bulma) Now, how do you plead?  
  
Bulma : We're innocent.  
  
Vegeta : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER.')  
  
Vegeta : (Gesturing wildly) We'll - soon - change - your mind - about - THAT! Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')  
  
Vegeta : Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! (He retches a bit and hits himself) Now, Cardinal -- the rack!  
  
(Goku produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Vegeta looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.) Vegeta : (furious) You....!  
  
(He stops himself and resignedly decides to just pretend.)  
  
...Right. T-tie her down.  
  
(Gohan and Goku make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack. They laugh diabolically. Vegeta moves to the other end of the room and looks extremely depressed. When it is over, the rack has been attached loosely to the front of Bulma's dress.)  
  
Vegeta : (trying to seem diabolical) Right! How do you plead?  
  
  
  
Bulma : (defiantly) Innocent.  
  
Vegeta : Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack... a turn.  
  
(Goku stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)  
  
Goku : I....  
  
Vegeta : (gritting his teeth) I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.  
  
Goku : I...  
  
Vegeta : It makes it all seem so stupid!  
  
Goku : Shall I...?  
  
Vegeta : No, just PRETEND, for God's sake!  
  
(Goku immediately launches into diabolical laughter)  
  
Goku : Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
(Goku turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack.)  
  
(In the back of the room, Ymacha is calmly puffing on his pipe when the doorbell rings. He detaches himself from the scene [not too hard to do] and answers it. Outside there is a dapper man with a suit and a peculiar goatee, slightly arty.)  
  
Trunks: Ah, hello, ah, you don't know me, but I'm from a website called PythoNET. We were wondering if you'd come and do some announcing work for us, over there, in that sort of direction... (points)  
  
Yamcha : Oh, well, all right, yes.  
  
Trunks : Jolly good. Come this way.  
  
Yamcha : Fine.  
  
(Cut to snapshot of same still which is being held by Chichi. Pull out to reveal she is sitting with a large photo album on her knees, lovingly extracting photos from the pile on top of the album and passing them to her friend sitting on the same settee. Her friend is Videl, who tears up the photos as they are handed to her. Chichi is in a world of her own and does not notice.)  
  
Chichi : This is Uncle Ted in front of the house.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front.  
  
(She hands over the photo and Videl tears it up)  
  
And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.  
  
(She takes it with her first sign of real interest.)  
  
Videl : Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
Vegeta : Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the grille. The bootsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Vegeta walks in and looks round approvingly. Gohan and Goku enter behind pushing in Chichi. They chain her to the wall.) Vegeta : Ha! Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. ...Four counts. Do you confess?  
  
Chichi : I don't understand what I'm accused of.  
  
Vegeta : Ha! Then we shall MAKE you understand! Kakarott! Fetch... ...THE CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD. Goku holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)  
  
Goku : Here we are, lord.  
  
Vegeta : Now, Chichi -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.  
  
Chichi : I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Vegeta : Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!  
  
(Goku carries out this rather pathetic torture)  
  
Vegeta : (really into it) Confess! Confess! Confess!  
  
Goku : It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.  
  
Vegeta : Have you got all the stuffing up one end?  
  
Goku : Yes, lord.  
  
Vegeta : (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hmf. She's made of harder stuff. Cardinal Gohan. Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!  
  
(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Gohan's horrified face) Gohan : (terrified) The...Comfy Chair? Vegeta : Yes.  
  
(Gohan and Goku push in a comfy chair - a really plush one.)  
  
Vegeta : So! You think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Kakarott! Put her... in the Comfy Chair!  
  
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair. She settles in and smiles. It is a very comfy chair.)  
  
Vegeta : (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven!  
  
Goku : Yes, lord.  
  
Vegeta : I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?  
  
(Goku nods. Vegeta begins very softly but is soon screaming.)  
  
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!  
  
Goku : (dropping to knees) I confess!  
  
Vegeta : Not you!  
  
(Cut to Master Roshi.)  
  
Master Roshi : I confess!  
  
(Cut back to cell.)  
  
Vegeta : (looking about, confused) Who was that?  
  
(Cut back to Master Roshi.)  
  
Master Roshi : I confess!  
  
Goten : Quiet, you!  
  
(Pull back to reveal a standard courtroom setup. Master Roshi is in the defendant's area, being judged by Goten. An attractive woman in a short white dress is in the middle.)  
  
Master Roshi : I confess, I confess, I confess!  
  
Goten : Quiet! That's contempt of court!  
  
Master Roshi : It was only a link.  
  
Goten : Contempt of court. However, I probably shouldn't punish you, because we're so short of Gotens at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. ...I'm going tomorrow, I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick! Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa! You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right! Well, I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so... I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.  
  
Master Roshi: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.  
  
(Court reacts expectantly. Nothing happens.)  
  
(Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly bolt out of the door and down the path. Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.) Vegeta : Two, er, three for the Old Bailey please.  
  
(Credits start superimposed.) Goku : Look, they've started the credits.  
  
Vegeta : Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.  
  
Goku : Come on hurry. Hurry!  
  
(We see shots of them coming through London. Credits keep rolling.)  
  
Vegeta : There's the lighting credit, only five left.  
  
(More credits.)  
  
Vegeta : Hell, it's the producer - quick!  
  
(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in, and...) Vegeta : Nobody expects the Sp...  
  
(CAPTION: 'THE END' appears)  
  
...Oh bugger! 


	2. dead parrot

(A perfectly ordinary pet shop. Vegeta in a hideous top-buttoned pacamac, bird cage [and bird] in hand, enters. )  
  
Vegeta : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.  
  
( Goku has his back to the register and does not respond.)  
  
Vegeta : 'Ello, Miss?  
  
Goku : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?  
  
Vegeta : I'm sorry, I have a cold.  
  
( Goku nods, understanding.)  
  
Vegeta : I wish to make a complaint!  
  
Goku : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!  
  
Vegeta : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.  
  
Goku : Oh yes, the, ah, the Norwegian Blue... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it? Vegeta : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.  
  
Goku : No, no, 'e's ah... he's resting.  
  
Vegeta : Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.  
  
Goku : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!  
  
Vegeta : Restin'?  
  
Goku : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it, eh? Beautiful plumage!  
  
Vegeta : The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead!  
  
Goku : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!  
  
Vegeta : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!  
  
(shouting at the cage)  
  
'Ello, Polly! Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot...  
  
(Goku hits the cage)  
  
Goku : There, he moved!  
  
Vegeta : No, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!  
  
Goku : I never!!  
  
Vegeta : Yes, you did!  
  
Goku : I never, never....  
  
He pulls the parrot out of the cage and screams into its ear.)  
  
Vegeta : 'ELLO POLLAAAAAAAY! POLL-EE! POLLY PARROT! WAKE UP!  
  
(He bangs its head against the store counter, horribly hard.)  
  
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!  
  
  
  
(He does it again, harder.)  
  
POLL-EEEEEEE!  
  
(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)  
  
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.  
  
Goku : No, no.... No, he's stunned.  
  
Vegeta : STUNNED?  
  
Goku : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.  
  
Vegeta : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.  
  
Goku : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords.  
  
(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)  
  
Vegeta : PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?  
  
Goku : The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable bird, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely plumage! Vegeta : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.  
  
(pause)  
  
Goku : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and VOOM!  
  
Vegeta : "VOOM?"  
  
(Praline puts the cage down and take the parrot into his hands.)  
  
Vegeta : Look matey, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!  
  
Goku : It's not! I-It's pining! Vegeta : It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-PARROT!  
  
(pause) Goku : Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He disappears behind the counter.)  
  
Vegeta : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.  
  
( Goku returns.)  
  
Goku : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of parrots.  
  
Vegeta : I see. I see, I get the picture.  
  
Goku : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.  
  
(pause)  
  
Vegeta : (sweet as sugar) Does it talk?  
  
Goku : Not really, no.  
  
Vegeta : Well, it's SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT then, IS IT?  
  
Goku : Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace your parrot for you.  
  
Vegeta : Bolton, eh?  
  
Goku : Yeah.  
  
Vegeta : All right.  
  
(He leaves.) (CAPTION: "A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCASHIRE")  
  
(The customer enters a very similar pet shop, with a sign on the front reading "Similar Pet Shops, Ltd." Goku, who looks similar to his brother, is putting on a large false moustache in order to better distinguish himself from his brother. Which he isn't. Vegeta looks about and finds it to be very similar indeed. And when he finds his same bird cage, with the same dead bird inside, that just about clinches it.)  
  
Vegeta : Uh, excuse me, this is Bolton, is it? Goku : (with the fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.  
  
Vegeta : (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.  
  
(Vegeta goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints.")  
  
Vegeta : I wish to make a complaint.  
  
Gohan : I don't have to do this, you know!  
  
Vegeta : I beg your pardon...?  
  
Gohan : I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this 'cause I like being my own boss!  
  
Vegeta : Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?  
  
Gohan : Oh yeah, well, most transcripts woulda stopped at the slug line.  
  
Vegeta : Leave it to PythoNET, eh?  
  
Gohan : Yeah, yeah.  
  
Vegeta : Well, I wish to complain! I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch Gohan : No, this is Bolton.  
  
Vegeta : (to the camera) Kakarott's brother was lying!  
  
Gohan : Well, you can't blame British Rail for that.  
  
Vegeta : If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop!  
  
(Zoom in on the bewildered Gohan. Vegeta returns to the pet shop.)  
  
(CAPTION: "A LITTLE WHILE LATER LIMITED")  
  
Vegeta : I understand that this IS Bolton.  
  
Goku : (still with the fake mustache) Yeah?  
  
Vegeta : But you told me it was Ipswitch! Goku : (a bit meekly) It was a pun.  
  
Vegeta : A pun??  
  
Goku : No, no ... not a pun ... What's the other thing where it reads the same backwards as forwards?  
  
(longish pause)  
  
Vegeta : A palindrome...?  
  
Goku : Yeah, yeah.  
  
Vegeta : It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob!" It don't work!!  
  
Goku : Well, what do you want?  
  
Vegeta : No, I'm sorry! I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!  
  
Goku : Silly, sir?  
  
Vegeta : And take off that moustache!  
  
Goku : (taking off moustache) Silly, sir?  
  
Vegeta : Yes, silly! I've come in here with a perfectly legitimate complaint and you have done everything in your power to turn my afternoon into a comedy of errors! This, therefore, is silly!  
  
(He slams his parrot down on the counter to illustrate the point.)  
  
Goku : Y-yeah. Silly. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)  
  
Vegeta : Well. (Excruciatingly long pause.)  
  
Goku : (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?  
  
(Pause.)  
  
Vegeta : Yeah, all right.  
  
(They leave quickly, arm in arm.)(don't ask me) 


	3. taxes

Trunks: Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM it is nero. con. Give us a fag or I'll go spare. Now- the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April .  
  
Yamcha: I think he's talking about taxation.  
  
Trunks: Bravo, Madge. Well done. Taxation is indeed the very hub of my gist. Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.  
  
Goten: I understood that.  
  
Goku: If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir...  
  
Trunks: Yes?  
  
Goku: Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one.  
  
Trunks: What do you mean?  
  
Goku: Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not ... thingy.  
  
Trunks: Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?  
  
Yamcha: Poo poo's?  
  
Goku: No.  
  
Yamcha: Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment. (leaves)  
  
Goku: No, no, no - thinby.  
  
Goten: Number ones?  
  
Goku: No, thingy.  
  
Trunks: Thinby!  
  
Goten: Ah, thinby. Well it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job. Cut to vox pops.  
  
Trunks(in a diff outfit): (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people who stand in water ... (looks round him)... Oh!  
  
Goku In Bowler Hat: To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.  
  
Goten In Suit: I would tax the nude in my bed. No - not tax. What is the word.~ Oh - welcome.  
  
Vegeta in a hobo outfit: I would tax Racquel Welch. I've a feeling she'd tax me.  
  
Trunks in a business outfit: Bring back hanging and go into rope.  
  
Vegeta in a business outfit: I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields,  
  
Vegeta In Cap: I would tax holiday snaps. (Freeze frame.) 


	4. argument

Vegeta: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.  
  
Bra: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?  
  
Vegeta: No, I haven't, this is my first time.  
  
Bra: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?  
  
Vegeta: Well, what is the cost?  
  
Bra: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.  
  
Vegeta: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.  
  
Bra: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. (Pause)  
  
Bra: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Yamcha; room 12. Vegeta: Thank you.  
  
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Yamcha: WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
  
Vegeta: Well, I was told outside that...  
  
Yamcha: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!  
  
Vegeta: What?  
  
Yamcha: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!  
  
Vegeta: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!  
  
  
  
Yamcha: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.  
  
Vegeta: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.  
  
Yamcha: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor .  
  
Vegeta: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.  
  
Yamcha: Not at all.  
  
Vegeta: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!! (Walk down the corridor)  
  
Vegeta: (Knock)  
  
Trunks: Come in.  
  
Vegeta: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?  
  
Trunks: I told you once.  
  
Vegeta: No you haven't.  
  
Trunks: Yes I have.  
  
Vegeta: When?  
  
Trunks: Just now.  
  
Vegeta: No you didn't.  
  
Trunks: Yes I did.  
  
Vegeta: You didn't  
  
Trunks: I did!  
  
Vegeta: You didn't!  
  
Trunks: I'm telling you I did!  
  
Vegeta: You did not!!  
  
Trunks: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?  
  
Vegeta: Oh, just the five minutes.  
  
Trunks: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.  
  
Vegeta: You most certainly did not.  
  
Trunks: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.  
  
Vegeta: No you did not.  
  
Trunks: Yes I did.  
  
Vegeta: No you didn't.  
  
Trunks: Yes I did.  
  
Vegeta: No you didn't.  
  
Trunks: Yes I did.  
  
Vegeta: No you didn't.  
  
Trunks: Yes I did.  
  
Vegeta: You didn't.  
  
Trunks: Did.  
  
Vegeta: Oh look, this isn't an argument.  
  
Trunks: Yes it is.  
  
Vegeta: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.  
  
Trunks: No it isn't.  
  
Vegeta: It is!  
  
Trunks: It is not.  
  
Vegeta: Look, you just contradicted me.  
  
Trunks: I did not.  
  
Vegeta: Oh you did!!  
  
Trunks: No, no, no.  
  
Vegeta: You did just then.  
  
Trunks: Nonsense!  
  
Vegeta: Oh, this is futile!  
  
Trunks: No it isn't.  
  
Vegeta: I came here for a good argument.  
  
Trunks: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.  
  
Vegeta: An argument isn't just contradiction.  
  
Trunks: It can be.  
  
Vegeta: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.  
  
Trunks: No it isn't.  
  
Vegeta: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.  
  
Trunks: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.  
  
Vegeta: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'  
  
Trunks: Yes it is!  
  
Vegeta: No it isn't!  
  
Vegeta: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause)  
  
Trunks: No it isn't.  
  
Vegeta: It is.  
  
Trunks: Not at all.  
  
Vegeta: Now look.  
  
Trunks: (Rings bell) Good Morning.  
  
Vegeta: What?  
  
Trunks: That's it. Good morning.  
  
Vegeta: I was just getting interested.  
  
Trunks: Sorry, the five minutes is up.  
  
Vegeta: That was never five minutes!  
  
Trunks: I'm afraid it was.  
  
Vegeta: It wasn't.  
  
(Pause) Trunks: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.  
  
Vegeta: What?!  
  
Trunks: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.  
  
Vegeta: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!  
  
Trunks: (Hums)  
  
Vegeta: Look, this is ridiculous.  
  
Trunks: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!  
  
Vegeta: Oh, all right. (pays money)  
  
Trunks: Thank you. (short pause)  
  
Vegeta: Well?  
  
Trunks: Well what?  
  
Vegeta: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.  
  
Trunks: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.  
  
Vegeta: I just paid!  
  
Trunks: No you didn't.  
  
Vegeta: I DID!  
  
Trunks: No you didn't.  
  
Vegeta: Look, I don't want to argue about that.  
  
Trunks: Well, you didn't pay.  
  
Vegeta: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!  
  
Trunks: No you haven't.  
  
Vegeta: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.  
  
Trunks: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.  
  
Vegeta: Oh I've had enough of this.  
  
Trunks: No you haven't.  
  
Vegeta: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)  
  
Vegeta: I want to complain.  
  
Goten: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.  
  
Vegeta: No, I want to complain about...  
  
Goten: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.  
  
Vegeta: Oh!  
  
Goten: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office. (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)  
  
Vegeta: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!  
  
Goku: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.  
  
Vegeta: uuuwwhh!!  
  
Goku: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.  
  
Vegeta: No.  
  
Goku: Now..  
  
Vegeta: Waaaaah!!!  
  
Goku: Good, Good! That's it.  
  
Vegeta: Stop hitting me!!  
  
Goku: What?  
  
Vegeta: Stop hitting me!!  
  
Goku: Stop hitting you?  
  
Vegeta: Yes!  
  
Goku: Why did you come in here then?  
  
Vegeta: I wanted to complain.  
  
Goku: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.  
  
Vegeta: What a stupid concept. (Detective Yamcha enters.)  
  
Yamcha: Right. Hold it there.  
  
Vegeta and Goku: What?  
  
Yamcha: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Yamcha of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.  
  
Vegeta and Goku: Flying Fox of the Yard.  
  
Yamcha: Shut up! (he hits Vegeta with a truncheon)  
  
Vegeta: Ooooh?  
  
Goku: No, no, no - Waagh!  
  
Yamcha: And you. (he hits Goku)  
  
Goku: Waagh!  
  
Yamcha: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.  
  
Vegeta: What for?  
  
Yamcha: I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.  
  
Vegeta: The what?  
  
Yamcha: You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.  
  
Goku: It's a fair cop.  
  
Yamcha: And you tosh. (.hits Vegeta)  
  
Vegeta: WAAAGH!  
  
Yamcha: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard. (Goten arrives.)  
  
Goten: Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Goten of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.  
  
Yamcha: Flying Goten of the Yard!  
  
Goten: Shut up! (he hits him)  
  
Yamcha: Waaaagh!  
  
Goku: He's good.  
  
Goten: Shut up! (hits Goku)  
  
Goku: WAAGH!  
  
Vegeta: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!  
  
Inspector: Good. Now I'm 'arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act, two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offences against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeVegeta come in and... wait a minute. (Trunks enters.)  
  
Trunks: Hold it. (puts his hand on Inspector Goten's shoulder)  
  
Goten: It's a fair cop. (A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.) CAPTION: 'THE END' 


	5. buying a bed

Goku: Hello, my Bulma and I would like to buy a bed, please.  
  
Yamcha: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.  
  
Bulma: Thank you.  
  
Yamcha: Goten!  
  
Goten: Can I help you, sir?  
  
Goku: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.  
  
Goten: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.  
  
Goku & Bulma: Eight hundred pounds?  
  
Yamcha: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Goten does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.  
  
Goku: I see.  
  
Yamcha: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.  
  
Goku: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?  
  
Goten: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.  
  
Goku: I see. And how wide is it?  
  
Goten: It's sixty feet wide.  
  
Goku: Yes...  
  
Bulma: (whispers) Sixty feet!  
  
Goku: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.  
  
Bulma: (whispers) Oh.  
  
Goku: ...and the length?  
  
Goten: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Yamcha, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?  
  
Yamcha: Ah. Two foot long.  
  
Goku: Two foot long?  
  
Goten: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Yamcha says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.  
  
Goku: I see, I'm sorry.  
  
Goten: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?  
  
Goku: Yes, I see.  
  
Goten: That's without the mattress, of course.  
  
Goku: How much is that?  
  
Goten: Er, Yamcha will be able to tell you that. Yamcha! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?  
  
Goku: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!  
  
Goten: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Yamcha, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right .  
  
Goku: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?  
  
Yamcha: Dog kennels?  
  
Goku: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.  
  
Yamcha: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.  
  
Goku: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.  
  
Yamcha: (irritated) Yes, second floor.  
  
Goku: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Goten said that...  
  
Yamcha: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?  
  
Goku: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'. (Yamcha puts bucket on his head)  
  
Goku: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?  
  
Goten: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?  
  
Goku: Well, yes, er...  
  
Yamcha: (muffled) I'm not coming out!  
  
Goten: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?  
  
Goku: But I mean, er...  
  
Yamcha: (muffled) I'm not!  
  
Goku: Oh.  
  
Goten: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.  
  
Goku: Oh.  
  
Goten: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...  
  
Trunks: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Yamcha?  
  
Goku: Yes, I did. (Trunks gives nasty look at Goku)  
  
Goten: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green... (Trunks joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God... (Yamcha removes bucket; Goten and Vegeta immediately stop singing; Trunks leaves.)  
  
Goten: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!  
  
Goku: No, no. (to Yamcha) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?  
  
Yamcha: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.  
  
Goku: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?  
  
Yamcha: Mattresses?  
  
Goku: (relieved) Yes.  
  
Yamcha: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?  
  
Goku: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...  
  
Yamcha: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?  
  
Goku: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'. (Yamcha puts the bucket over his head again)  
  
Goten: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (stands in box and sings) And did those feet...  
  
Trunks: (to Goku) We *did* ask! (Trunks & Goten sing together) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... (singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)  
  
Vegeta: (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Yamcha? (Trunks points angrily towards Goku and Bulma)  
  
Goten: *Twice*!  
  
Vegeta: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Yamcha -- *twice*! (joins in the singing) (Organ music swells and they carry on singing)  
  
Goten: It's not working, we need more! (The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Yamcha removes the bucket again and they stop singing)  
  
Yamcha: I'm sorry, can I help you?  
  
Bulma: (brightly) We want a mattress! (Yamcha puts the bucket over his head again. Goten, Goku and Vegeta all groan and glare accusingly at Bulma)  
  
Bulma: But it's my only line!!! Note: In the television version it was a paper bag; on the album version it was a bucket (better sound effects?). 


	6. dejavu

(Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to Vegeta sitting at usual desk.) Vegeta: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've ... (looks puzzled fir a moment) Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange... (Cut to opening title sequence with montage of psychiatric photos and the two captions and music over. Cut back to Vegeta at desk, shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')  
  
Vegeta: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get ... that ... we've lived through something... (Cut to opening titles again. Back then to Vegeta, now very shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')  
  
Vegeta: Good ... good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of dddddddddddéjà vvvvvvvvuu, that extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary... (he tails off, goes quiet, the phone rings, he picks it up) No, fine thanks, fine. (he rings off, a man comes in on the right and hands him glass of water and leaves) Oh, thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before. (phone rings again; he picks it up) No, fine thank you. Fine. (he rings off a man comes in from right and hands him a glass of water; he jumps) ... Thank you. That strange feeling ... (phone rings; he answers) No. Fine, thank you. Fine, (ring off; a man enters and gives him glass of water) thank you. (he screams with fear) Look, something's happening to me. I - I - urn, I think I'd better go and see someone. Goodnight. (Phone rings again. He leaps from desk and runs out of shot. He runs out of building into street and chases after passing milk float and leaps aboard.)  
  
  
  
Goten: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?  
  
Vegeta: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. (Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to Vegeta at desk. Vegeta screams and runs out of shot. Cut to same piece of film as just previously, when he chases float, leaps on and Goten says:)  
  
Goten: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?  
  
Vegeta: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. The milk float goes past in the background with the Goten and Vegeta on it. We see the float go along the country lane past the clearing, past the bishop...  
  
Trunks: (camp) 'Oh, Mr Belpit, your legs are so swollen'. (.. and Bulma at a secretary desk, past a sign saying 'to the zoo' where explosions are heard, and stops outside Goku's building... Vegeta runs into building and enters Goku's office.)  
  
Goku: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?  
  
Vegeta: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu. ((Repeat same clip from Vegeta entering.)  
  
Goku: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?  
  
Vegeta: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.. (Repeat clip again. Superimposed Credits)  
  
Goku: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?  
  
Vegeta: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.. (Clip starts to repeat again as the programme ends.) 


	7. lumberjack

Vegeta: I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night. I work all day.  
  
Goku, Trunks, and Yamcha: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.  
  
Vegeta: I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.  
  
Goku, Trunks, and Yamcha: He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping And has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day  
  
Vegeta: I cut down trees. I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars.  
  
Goku, Trunks, and Yamcha: He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around in bars?! He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.  
  
Vegeta: I cut down trees. I wear high heels, Suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Mama.  
  
Vegeta, Goku, Trunks, and Yamcha: I (He) cut(s) down trees. I (He) wear(s) high heels, Suspendies, and a bra?!  
  
Vegeta: I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Mama! 


	8. judges

(Apropos of nothing cut to oak-pandled robing chamber in the Old Bailey. Two Judges in full wigs and red robes enter.) Goten: (very camp) Oh, I've had such a morning in the High Court. I could stamp my little feet the way those QC's carry on.  
  
Vegeta: (just as camp) Don't I know it, love  
  
. Goten: Objection here, objection there! And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well - beautiful speaking voice ... well after a bit all I could do was bang my little gavel.  
  
Vegeta: You what, love?  
  
Goten: I banged me gavel. I did me 'silence in court' bit. Ooh! If looks could kill that prosecuting counsel would be in for thirty years. How did your summing up go?  
  
Vegeta: Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know, 'what the jury must understand', and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me.  
  
Goten: Really?  
  
Vegeta: Yes, cheeky devil.  
  
Goten: Was he that tall man with that very big... ? Vegeta: No, just a minute - I must finish you know. Anyway, I finished up with 'the actions of these vicious men is a violent stain on the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghasdy crimes', and I waggled my wig! Just ever so slightly, but it was a stunning effect.  
  
Goten: Oh, I bet it was... like that super time I wore that striped robe in the Magistrates Court.  
  
Vegeta: Oh, aye. (Fade out.) 


	9. judges2

(Cut to judges' robing room. Both Judges talking in a very camp voice) Goten: Well, I was ever so glad they abolished hanging, you know, because that black cap just didn't suit me.  
  
Vegeta: Yes. Do you remember the Glasgow treason trial?  
  
Goten: Oh yes, I wore a body stocking all through it.  
  
Vegeta: No, hen, with the party afterwards.  
  
Goten: Oh, that's right. You were walking out with that very butch Clerk of the Court.  
  
Vegeta: That's right. Ooh, he made me want to turn Queen's evidence. (Superimposed credits. Theme tune heard quietly as judges continue.)  
  
Goten: Oh, me too. One summing up and I'm anybody's.  
  
Vegeta: Anyway, Bailie Anderson.  
  
Goten: Ooh, her?  
  
Vegeta: Yes. She's so strict. She was on at me for giving dolly sentences, you know, specially in that arson case.  
  
Goten: What was the verdict?  
  
Vegeta: They preferred the brown wig.  
  
Goten: Mm. I love the Scottish Assizes. I know what they mean by a really well-hung jury.  
  
Vegeta: Oohl Get back in the wittess box, you're too sharp to live!  
  
Goten: I'll smack your little botty!  
  
Vegeta: Ooh! and again.  
  
Goten: Have you tried that new body rub JP's use?  
  
Vegeta: 1 had a magistrate in Bradford yesterday.  
  
Goten: Funnily enough I felt like one in a lunchtime recess today. (credits end) But the ones I really like are those voice over announcers on the BBC after the programrues are over.  
  
Vegeta: Oh, aye, of course, they're as bent as safety pins.  
  
Goten: I know, but they've got beautiful speaking voices, haven't they? 'And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television.'  
  
Vegeta: 'Here are tonight's football results.'  
  
Goten and Vegeta: Mmm. (Fade out.) 


	10. archaeology

Vegeta: Hello. On 'Archaeology Today' tonight I have with me Professor Lucien Goku of Oslo University.  
  
Goku: Good evening.  
  
Vegeta: How tall are you, professor?  
  
Goku: ... I beg your pardon?  
  
Vegeta: How tall are you?  
  
Goku: I'm about five foot ten.  
  
Vegeta: ... and an expert in Egyptian 'tomb paintings. Trunks... (turning to Goku) are you really five foot ten?  
  
Goku: Yes.  
  
Vegeta: Funny, you look much shorter than that to me. Are you slumped forward in your chair at all?  
  
Goku: No, er I...  
  
Vegeta: Extraordinary. Trunks Eversley, who's just returned from the excavations in El Ara, and you must be well over six foot. Isn't that right, Trunks?  
  
Trunks: (puzzled) Yes.  
  
Vegeta: In fact, I think you're six foot five aren't you?  
  
Trunks: Yes. (Applause. Trunks looks up in amazement.)  
  
Vegeta: Oh, that's marvellous. I mean you're a totally different kind of specimen to Professor Goku. Straight in your seat, erect, firm.  
  
Trunks: Yes. I thought we were here to discuss archaeology.  
  
Vegeta: Yes, yes, of course we are, yes, absolutely, you're absolutely right! That's positive thinking for you. (to Goku) You wouldn't have said a thing like that, would you? You five-foot-ten weed. (he turns his back very ostentatiously on Kustner) Trunks Eversley, (who's very interesting) what have you discovered in the excavations at El Ara?  
  
Trunks: (picking up a beautiful andent vase) Well basically we have found a complex of tombs...  
  
Vegeta: Very good speaking voice.  
  
Trunks: ... which present dramatic evidence of Polynesian influence in Egypt in the third dynasty which is quite remarkable.  
  
Vegeta: How tall were the Polynesians?  
  
Goku: They were...  
  
Vegeta: Sh!  
  
Trunks: Well, they were rather small, seafaring...  
  
Vegeta: Short men, were they... eh? All squat and bent up?  
  
Trunks: Well, I really don't know about that...  
  
Vegeta: Who were the tall people?  
  
Trunks: I'm afraid I don't know.  
  
Vegeta: Who's that very tall tribe in Africa?  
  
Trunks: Well, this is hardly archaeology.  
  
Vegeta: The Watutsi! That's it - the Watutsi! Oh, that's the tribe, some of them were eight foot tall. Can you imagine that. Eight foot of Watutsi. Not one on another's shoulders, oh no - eight foot of solid Watutsi. That's what I call tall.  
  
Trunks: Yes, but it's nothing to do with archaeology.  
  
Vegeta: (knocking Trunks's vase to the floor) Oh to hell with archaeology!  
  
Goku: Can I please speak! I came all the way from Oslo to do this programme! I'm a professor of archaeology. I'm an expert in ancient civilizations. All right, I'm only five foot ten. All right my posture is bad, all right I slump in my chair. But I've had more women than either of you two! I've had half bloody Norway, that's what I've had! So you can keep your Robert Eversley! And you can keep your bloody Watutsi! I'd rather have my little body... my little five-foot-ten-inch body... (he breaks down sobbing)  
  
Trunks: Bloody fool. Look what you've done to him.  
  
Vegeta: Don't bloody fool me.  
  
Trunks: I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like you for breakfast. (Trunks floors the Vegeta with an almighty punch. Vegeta looks up rubbing his jaw.)  
  
Vegeta: I'll get you for that, Eversley! I'll get you if I have to travel to the four corners of the earth! (Crash of music. Music goes into theme and film titles as for a Western. Caption on screen: 'FLAMING STAR - THE STORY OF ONE MAN'S SEARCH FOR VENGEANCE IN THE RAW AND VIOLENT WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL ARCHAEOLOGY' Cut to stock film of the pyramids (cica 1920). Superimposed caption: 'EGYPT- 1920' An archaeological dig in a fiat sandy landscape. All the characters are in twenties' clothes. Pan across the complex of passages and trenches.)  
  
Bulma: (voice over) The dig was going well that year, We had discovered some Hittire baking dishes from the fifth dynasty, and Trunks: was happier than I had ever seen him. (Camera comes to rest on Trunks Eversley digging away. We close in on him as he sings to Hammond organ accompaniment.)  
  
Trunks: Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing Today who knows what life will bring Today... (He stops and picks up an object, blows the dust off it and looks at it wondrously.)  
  
Trunks: Why, a Sumerian drinking vessel of the fourth dynasty. (sings!) Today!!!! (speaks) Catalogue this pot, Bulma, it's fourth dynasty. Bulma: Oh, is it... ?  
  
Trunks: Yes, it's... Sumerian. Bulma: Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I am so happy for you. Trunks: I'm happy too, now at last we know there was a Sumerian influence here in Abu Simnel in the early pre-dynastic period, two thousand years before the reign of Tutankhamun, (he breaks into song again) (singing) Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing (Bulma joins in) Today who knows what life will bring. (They are just about to embrace, when there is a jarring chord and long crash. The Vegeta, in the clothes he wore before, is standing on the edge of the dig.)  
  
Vegeta: All right Eversley, get up out of that trench.  
  
Trunks: Don't forget... rm six foot five.  
  
Vegeta: That doesn't worry me... Kakrott. (He snaps his fingers. From behind him Goku appears, fawningly)  
  
Goku: Here Lord.  
  
Vegeta: Up! (He snaps his fingers and Goku leaps onto his shoulders.)  
  
Trunks:. Eleven foot three!  
  
Goku: I'm so tall! I am so tall!  
  
Trunks: Bulma! (Bulma leaps on his shoulders.)  
  
Vegeta: Eleven foot six - damn you! Abdul (A servant appears on Goku's shoulders.)  
  
Trunks: Fifteen foot four! Mustapha! (A servant appears on Bulma's shoulders.)  
  
Vegeta: Nineteen foot three... damn you! (The six of them charge each other. They fight in amongst the trestle tables with rare pots on them breaking and smashing them. When the fight ends everyone lies dead in a pile of broken pottery. The Vegeta crawls up to camera and produces a microphone from his pocket. He is covered in blood and in his final death throes.)  
  
Vegeta: And there we end this edition of 'Archaeology Today'. Next week, the Silbury Dig by Cole Porter with Pearl Bailey and Arthur Negus. (He dies.) 


	11. hijacked

Scene: The inside of the cockpit of an aeroplane. The door opens and a man in a neat suit enters. From beneath his jacket he produces a revolver with silencer attachment. He points it at the pilots. Vegeta: All right, don't anybody move ... except to control the aeroplane ... you can move a little to do that.  
  
Bulma: Can I move?  
  
Vegeta: Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary muscular movements which no amount of self-control can prevent. And obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take that into account. (The ensuing conversation is perfectly calm and friendly.)  
  
Trunks: Right. I mean one couldn't for example, stop one's insides from moving.  
  
Vegeta: No, no. Good point, good point.  
  
Trunks: And the very fact that the plane is continuously vibrating means that we're all moving to a certain extent.  
  
Vegeta: And we're all moving our lips, aren't we?  
  
Trunks and Goku: Yes, yes.  
  
Trunks: Absolutely.  
  
Vegeta: No, the gist of my meaning was that sudden... er... Bulma Exaggerated movements ...  
  
Vegeta: Exaggerated violent movements... are... are out.  
  
Trunks: Well, that's the great thing about these modern airliners. I mean, I can keep this plane flying with only the smallest movement and Pancho here doesn't have to move at all.  
  
Vegeta: Oh, that's marvellous.  
  
Bulma: (joining in the general spirit of bonhomie) And I don't really need to move either ... unless I get an itch or something... (They all laugh.)  
  
Vegeta: Well that's wonderful ... 6o% success, eh? (they laugh again) Anyway, bearing all that in mind, will you fly the plane to Luton, please?  
  
Trunks: Well, this is a scheduled flight to Cuba.  
  
Vegeta: I know, I know, that's rather why I came in here with that point about nobody moving.  
  
Goku: Within reason.  
  
Vegeta: Within reason - yes. I... er ... er... you know, I want you to fly this plane to Luton ... please.  
  
Trunks: Right, well I'd better turn the plane round then. Stand by emergency systems.  
  
Vegeta: Look I don't want to cause any trouble., STRONGTrunks: No, no, we'll manage, we'll manage.  
  
Vegeta: I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden?  
  
Goku: It's on the flight path.  
  
Vegeta: Okay, well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to Luton. It's only twenty-five minutes.  
  
Bulma: You can be in Luton by lunchtime.  
  
Vegeta: Oh, well that's smashing.  
  
Goku: Hang on! There's no airport at Harpenden.  
  
Vegeta: Oh well, look, forget it. Forget it. I'll come to Cuba, and get a flight back to Luton from there.  
  
Trunks: Well, we could lend you a parachute.  
  
Vegeta: No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't dream of it... wouldn't dream of it... dirtying a nice, clean parachute.  
  
Goku: I know - I know. There's a bale of hay outside Basingstoke. We' could throw you out.  
  
Vegeta: Well, if it's all right.  
  
All: Sure, yeah.  
  
Vegeta: Not any trouble?  
  
Tunks and Goku: None at all.  
  
Vegeta: That's marvellous. Thank you very much. Sorry to come barging in.  
  
Bulma: Bye-bye.  
  
Vegeta: Thank you. Bye.  
  
Tunks and Goku: Bye. (They open the door and throw him out.)  
  
Vegeta: (as he falls) Thank you! (Cut to haystack in afield (not the same bale of hay that was landed on befire). Aeroplane noise overhead. The Vegeta suddenly falls into the haystack. He gets up, brushes himself down, hops over a fence, and reaches a road He puts his hand out and a bus stops. It has 'Straight to Luton' written on it. He gets in. Conductor is just about to take his fare, when an evil-looking man with a gun jumps up and points gun at conductor.)  
  
Trunks: Take this bus to Cuba. (Bus moving away flora camera. The destination board changes to 'Straight to Cuba'. The bus does a speeded up u-turn, and goes out of frame·) 


	12. phrasebook

Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians(not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes.... A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.  
  
Trunks: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.  
  
Goku: Sorry?  
  
Trunks: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.  
  
Goku: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.  
  
Trunks: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.  
  
Goku: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).  
  
Trunks: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.  
  
Goku: Sorry?  
  
Trunks: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels (pretends to strike a match).  
  
Goku: Ahh, matches!  
  
Trunks: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?  
  
Goku: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.  
  
Trunks: You great poof.  
  
Goku: That'll be six and six, please.  
  
Trunks: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.  
  
Goku: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words) Trunks punches Goku. Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.  
  
Yamcha: What's going on here then?  
  
Trunks: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.  
  
Yamcha: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?  
  
Goku: He hit me!  
  
Trunks: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at Goku)  
  
Yamcha: RIGHT!!! (drags Trunks away by the arm)  
  
Trunks: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight! 


	13. spam

The sketch: Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter. Goten: You sit here, dear.  
  
Yamcha: All right.  
  
Goten: (to Goku) Morning!  
  
Goku: Morning!  
  
Goten: Well, what've you got?  
  
Goku: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;  
  
Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...  
  
Goku: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...  
  
Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!  
  
Goku: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale Gotenner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.  
  
Yamcha: Have you got anything without spam?  
  
Goku: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.  
  
Yamcha: I don't want ANY spam!  
  
Goten: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?  
  
Yamcha: THAT'S got spam in it!  
  
Goten: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?  
  
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)  
  
Yamcha: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?  
  
Goku: Urgghh!  
  
Yamcha: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!  
  
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!  
  
Goku: Shut up!  
  
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!  
  
Goku: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.  
  
Yamcha: (shrieks) I don't like spam!  
  
Goten: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!  
  
Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!  
  
Goku: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.  
  
Goten: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?  
  
Goku: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)  
  
Vikings: (singing elaborately) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a- a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam! 


	14. Black Knight

Freiza: Aaagh!  
  
krillin: Ooh! [stab]  
  
Freiza: Aagh!  
  
krillin: Oh!  
  
Ooh! Uuh.  
  
  
  
Freiza: Aaaagh! [clang]  
  
Freiza and krillin: Agh!, oh!, etc.  
  
krillin: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh] [Freiza kills krillin] [thud] [scrape]  
  
Freiza: Umm! [clop clop clop]  
  
Trunks: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. [pause] I am Trunks, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. [pause]You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.  
  
Freiza: None shall pass.  
  
Trunks: What?  
  
Freiza: None shall pass.  
  
Trunks: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.  
  
Freiza: Then you shall die.  
  
Trunks: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!  
  
Freiza: I move for no man.  
  
Trunks: So be it!  
  
Trunks and Freiza: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. [Trunks chops the Freiza's left arm off]  
  
Trunks: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.  
  
Freiza: 'Tis but a scratch. Trunks: A scratch? Your arm's off! Freiza: No, it isn't. Trunks: Well, what's that, then? Freiza: I've had worse.  
  
Trunks: You liar!  
  
Freiza: Come on, you pansy! [clang] Huyah! [clang] Hiyaah! [clang] Aaaaaaaah! [Trunks chops the Freiza's right arm off]  
  
Trunks: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--  
  
Freiza: Hah! [kick] Come on, then.  
  
Trunks: What?  
  
Freiza: Have at you! [kick]  
  
Trunks: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.  
  
Freiza: Oh, had enough, eh?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Trunks: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. Freiza: Yes, I have. Trunks: Look! Freiza: Just a flesh wound. [kick] Trunks: Look, stop that. Freiza: Chicken! [kick]  
  
  
  
  
  
Chickennn! Trunks: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop] [Trunks chops the Freiza's right leg off] Freiza: Right. I'll do you for that! Trunks: You'll what?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Freiza: Come here! Trunks: What are you going to do, bleed on me? Freiza: I'm invincible! Trunks: You're a looney. Freiza: Freiza always triumphs! Have at you!  
  
Come on, then. [whop] [Trunks chops the Freiza's last leg off]  
  
Freiza: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw. Trunks: Come, Patsy. Freiza: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! 


	15. swallow

Trunks: Whoa there!  
  
Yamcha: Halt! Who goes there?  
  
Trunks: It is I, Trunks, son of Vegeta, from the castle of Vegeta of the Sayjins, defeater of Freeza, Sovereign of all Earth!  
  
Yamcha: Pull the other one!  
  
Trunks: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Goten. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.  
  
Yamcha: What? Ridden on a horse?  
  
Trunks: Yes!  
  
Yamcha: You're using coconuts!  
  
Trunks: What? Yamcha: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. Trunks: So? ra/01-04.ra We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through- -  
  
Yamcha: Where'd you get the coconuts?  
  
Trunks: We found them.  
  
Yamcha: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!  
  
Trunks: What do you mean?  
  
Yamcha: Well, this is a temperate zone.  
  
Trunks: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?  
  
Yamcha: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?  
  
Trunks: Not at all. They could be carried.  
  
Yamcha: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?  
  
Trunks: It could grip it by the husk!  
  
Yamcha: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.  
  
  
  
Trunks: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Trunks from the Court of Camelot is here?  
  
Yamcha: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?  
  
Trunks: Please!  
  
Yamcha: Am I right?  
  
Trunks: I'm not interested!  
  
Goku: It could be carried by an African swallow!  
  
Yamcha: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.  
  
Goku: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.  
  
  
  
  
  
Trunks: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!  
  
Yamcha: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory.  
  
Goku: Oh, yeah.  
  
Yamcha: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.  
  
[clop clop clop] Goku: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?  
  
Yamcha: No, they'd have to have it on a line.  
  
Goku: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!  
  
Yamcha: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?  
  
Goku: Well, why not? 


	16. knights of ni

Captin Gynu OF NI: Ni!  
  
Gynu Forcce OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
Trunks: Who are you?  
  
Captin Gynu: We are the Gynu Forcce Who Say... 'Ni'!  
  
Jeice: Ni!  
  
Trunks: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!  
  
Captin Gynu: The same!  
  
Gohan: Who are they?  
  
Captin Gynu: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'! RANDOM: Neee-wom!  
  
Trunks: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale  
  
. Captin Gynu: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.  
  
Trunks: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.  
  
Captin Gynu: Ni!  
  
Gynu Forcce OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...  
  
Trunks: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!  
  
Captin Gynu: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.  
  
Trunks: Well, what is it you want?  
  
Captin Gynu: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord]  
  
Trunks: A what?  
  
Gynu Forcce OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
Trunks and PARTY: Ow! Oh!  
  
Trunks: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.  
  
Captin Gynu: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.  
  
Trunks: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.  
  
Captin Gynu: One that looks nice. Trunks: Of course.  
  
Captin Gynu: And not too expensive.  
  
Trunks: Yes.  
  
Captin Gynu: Now... go! 


	17. the french castle

[clop clop clop] Trunks: Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo!  
  
Vegeta: Allo! Who is eet?  
  
Trunks: It is Prince Trunks, and these are my Knights of the Round Table.  
  
Whose castle is this?  
  
Vegeta: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.  
  
Trunks: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.  
  
Vegeta: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.  
  
Uh, he's already got one, you see.  
  
Trunks: What?  
  
Gohan: He says they've already got one!  
  
Trunks: Are you sure he's got one?  
  
Vegeta: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)  
  
Goku: [chuckling] Trunks: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?  
  
Vegeta: Of course not! You are Human types-a!  
  
Trunks: Well, what are you, then?  
  
Vegeta: I'm Sayjin! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly prince-a?!  
  
Gohan: What are you doing on Earth?  
  
Vegeta: Mind your own business!  
  
Trunks: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!  
  
Vegeta: You don't frighten us, Earth pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Trunks Prince, you and all your silly Human k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!  
  
Gohan: What a strange person.  
  
Trunks: Now look here, my good man--  
  
Vegeta: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!  
  
Gohan: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?  
  
Vegeta: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff]  
  
Trunks: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.  
  
Vegeta: (Fetchez la vache.)  
  
Goku: Quoi?  
  
Vegeta: (Fetchez la vache!) [mooo]  
  
Trunks: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo] Jesus Christ!  
  
KNIGHTS: Christ! [thud] ra/08-09.ra Ah! Ohh!...  
  
Trunks: Right! Charge!  
  
KNIGHTS: Charge!  
  
[mayhem] Vegeta: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [mayhem]  
  
  
  
Vegeta: And this one's for your dad!  
  
Trunks: Run away!  
  
KNIGHTS: Run away!  
  
Vegeta: Thppppt!  
  
Goku and Vegeta: [taunting]  
  
Yamcha: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!  
  
Trunks: No, no. No, no.  
  
Tien: Sir! I have a plan, sir. [later]  
  
[wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak]  
  
Vegeta and Goku: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank]  
  
Trunks: What happens now?  
  
Tien: Well, now, uh, Yamcha, Gohan, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Sayjins, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!  
  
Trunks: Who leaps out?  
  
Tien: U-- u-- uh,Yamcha, Gohan, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...  
  
Trunks: Ohh.  
  
Tien: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger-- [clank] [twong]  
  
Trunks: Run away!  
  
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [CRASH]  
  
Vegeta: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh... 


	18. the Bridge of Death

[gurgle] Piccolo: There it is!  
  
Trunks: The Bridge of Death!  
  
Krillin: Oh, great. Trunks: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four! Gohan: What is he doing here? Trunks: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--  
  
Piccolo: Three questions.  
  
Trunks: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--  
  
Piccolo: Three questions.  
  
Trunks: Three questions may cross in safety.  
  
Krillin: What if you get a question wrong?  
  
Trunks: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.  
  
Krillin: Oh, I won't go.  
  
Piccolo: Who's going to answer the questions?  
  
Trunks: Sir Krillin!  
  
Krillin: Yes?  
  
Trunks: Brave Sir Krillin, you go.  
  
Krillin: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Tien go?  
  
Tien: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--  
  
Trunks: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--  
  
Piccolo: Three questions.  
  
Trunks: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.  
  
Tien: I understand, my liege.  
  
Trunks: Good luck, brave Sir Tien. God be with you. Kami: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.  
  
Tien: Ask me the questions, Kami. I am not afraid.  
  
Kami: What... is your name?  
  
Tien: My name is 'Sir Tien of Camelot'.  
  
Kami: What... is your quest?  
  
Tien: To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Kami: What... is your favourite colour?  
  
Tien: Blue.  
  
Kami: Right. Off you go.  
  
Tien: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.  
  
Krillin: That's easy!  
  
Kami: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.  
  
Krillin: Ask me the questions, Kami. I'm not afraid.  
  
Kami: What... is your name?  
  
Krillin: 'Sir Krillin of Camelot'.  
  
Kami: What... is your quest?  
  
Krillin: To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Kami: What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause]  
  
Krillin: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Kami: Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Piccolo: 'Sir Piccolo of Camelot'.  
  
Kami: What... is your quest?  
  
Piccolo: I seek the Grail.  
  
Kami: What... is your favourite colour?  
  
Piccolo: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Kami: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Trunks: It is 'Trunks', Prince of the Sayjins.  
  
Kami: What... is your quest?  
  
Trunks: To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Kami: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?  
  
Trunks: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?  
  
Kami: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Gohan: How do know so much about swallows?  
  
Trunks: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. [suspenseful music] 


End file.
